I know not of When or Why;
all I know is What Is.
But even that seems to spiral out of reach. At least that's how I feel.
Funny, that now that I am aware of how I feel; of what I feel, I don't know what to feel. Being used to disregarding what I felt for so long kind of kills the entire capacity to respond. At least respond immediately.
I have always been a person who has responded level headedly. I have learned to assess the situation and respond in what I believe would be the optimal response. Yet when I relearned how to be aware of what I feel, I realize I am immobilized. At least for the time being.
Honestly, I find myself wondering if I should kill this resurrected part of me again.
And you know what.
I don't want it to die again.
I just need to adjust and relearn. But that is the beauty of humanity. In nature, it isn't the strongest or the smartest or those with the most resources that survive. It is those that learn to adapt.
And with adaptation comes change. Change that may throw us out of our comfort zone. Change that may cause our paradigms to shift. Change that may cause our centers of influence to realign. Change that may kill off something that was alive in us. Or bring back to life something that has died.
And in the process of adapting, it can be very very frustrating and painful. Not knowing what tomorrow will bring. Being a person who has always valued foresight, not knowing what tomorrow will bring is a world that is soooo far from what I am used to. I am logical. I plan. I forecast. I project. And change will allow you to do all those. But it will also throw it out of the window at its slightest whim.
To adapt is to change.
To change is to adapt.
There is this saying that the only constant thing in this world is change. Change, in itself is an inconsistency, so it cannot be a constant. But change does bring something constant: the Unknown.
And to be very honest, the unknown does throw me into a spiral. Not knowing what to do or how to respond brings out the kid in me. Not the naive, the-world-is-always-at-peace kid.
It brings out the child that wants to know what is happening. Why it is happening. The child that seeks answers. The child that questions. The child that wants to know; to understand. The child that despite how bleak life is, wants to believe that there is something worth waiting for; that there is something worth all of this change, be it natural or induced.
At the end of adaptation process, you either make it or stay the same. It's a good thing that in this genesis pit called life, us failing to adapt doesn't kill us. But it may prevent us from taking a step up the ladder in life until the next opportunity arises.
Knowing me, I find myself trying to project and forecast and plan with something that is unsure; that is still in the process of adapting. And honestly, it really doesn't help because I know at any point, all of that which I have invested in, that I have planned for, that I have projected goes out the window.
I really am thankful that this is where God has consistently been constant in my life. In the areas of my unknown, I know God has always been constant and consistent. I submit myself to His sovereignty. It doesn't mean everything will go smoothly. It does mean though that there will be someone to help me pickup the broken pieces of whatever the potentiality of change can bring.
A very dear and wise person gave me this piece of advice:
Take it a day at a time.
And I do.
-M-