To My Wife,
Until I actually walk down the aisle with you and say our I do's, I really don't know who you are. I know who I want you to be. But even I have realized as of late that it isn't about what I want. I have written down my list, tore it apart, modified it, changed it, written it again. And still I find my sense of standards challenged by God. Honestly, it was scary at first. It usually is when God is the one who deconstructs your standards. But I see the wisdom behind it. In fact, I see the beauty of it.
God truly wants what is best for me. With that realization, I want to be the best for you.
It maybe that I haven't met you yet, or perhaps I've been sitting beside you all this time. Maybe we've shared a glass or two, or maybe we've almost crossed paths. Maybe I've already glanced at your soul and written you into poetry, or possibly captured your heart and person in the lines of song. I may have traced your beauty in the colors of music. Perhaps you're actually reading this.
Whoever you are, I want you to know this:
While I am waiting for that moment in time when I walk down the aisle with you, I will work at becoming the best husband for you. I have a long list of flaws. And I'm sure I have more that have yet to be revealed. I am not perfect, but that isn't an excuse not to strive to improve. You may not know me now, and if you don't then I hope you get to meet the Me I am striving to become. If you already have, I hope you can see beyond my failures now and, by God's grace, embrace the me to come.
I have my hurts, and I want to heal them as early as now. I honestly don't know how long each hurt will take to heal. But best I start the healing now so that when we meet as Man & Wife, I won't be some needy, hurting person who will be too focused on my needs. I want to be able to take care of you. I want to be the person you feel safest with, that you trust the most; the one who will satisfy your need for love, affection and companionship. The person who will make you feel desired and wanted; who will be lovingly blunt and honest to you, but at the same time, gentle and caring. I want to be the person whom you can trust to protect and defend you; to be your champion in the battlefield called life.
I want to be all these and more.
I want to be your best friend. A person you share your dreams with. The man who you open your heart to. Unashamed and unafraid, I want you to know that it's okay to be you. Past notwithstanding.
Without the fear of being judged or rejected.
Without the fear of being less loved or wanted.
Without the fear of being asked to be someone you are not; to be someone else.
Or worse, someone I think you should be.
And that is why I am working on me, so that you can be who you are meant to be. A woman crafted and formed by God. Not forced and chiseled by me. Not forced and chiseled by anyone.
I pray earnestly that I be ready by the time God takes off these blinds and loosens these fetters. We may come to know each other while I am still in the early stages of this upgrade, so to speak. And honestly, this process will only end when I am laid to rest. I hope that in my shortcomings, you can forgive me; and in my weakness, be my strength. I am not perfect. I never will be. But by God's grace, I hope to be your strength and be better, way better than who I am now.
I am writing this so that I hold myself accountable. And maybe, somewhere, somehow, you will hold me accountable to this too.
Either way, whether you do get to read this now, or on the day we wed, I pray that God keep you safe and continue to work in you, just as He has been working in me. I pray that I be ready as you will be on the day we meet to be wed. I look forward to watching you walk down the aisle, radiant as the morning sun on a summer day. I long to hear your sweet "I do." and finally kiss you for the first time as your Husband. I anticipate watching sunsets with you while we hold hands along a stretch of sand, letting our grandchildren run to their hearts' content while letting the soothing rhythm of the waves crash into the sand.
And so I cast all of this into the Hands of my Maker.
-M-